How to Exercise – “Never Hit a Jellyfish with a Spade”

They say the devil makes work for idle hands. He also makes work for other parts of the body and this he calls exercise. By exercise we mean any kind of movement you wouldn’t normally make in everyday life. However, everyday movements can be converted into exercise by adding the ‘power’: hence ‘power walking,’, ‘power lifting’, and ‘power dressing’. There are two types of exercise—aerobic and anaerobic. Aerobic exercise is what you do in Lyrca, anything else is anaerobic.
Exercise is good for you in all sorts of ways. The fitter you are, the more you can do things like climb stairs and run for a bus—in other words, other forms of exercise. After a really strenuous workout, you get a great feeling of well-being. This is due to the release of endorphins into the bloodstream, which are the body’s natural smugness generators.
The best part of exercising is sweating. This cleans all the pores and allows you to use sports body wash instead of just soap. Sweating also makes you look like a great steaming mess and explains why exercise itself is very uncool and only becomes cool once you’ve cooled off, showered down and emerged with slightly wet hair.
It’s very easy to get addicted to exercise. You can become so fit that you push yourself to ever-greater extremes, one of which is death. People who are always out exercising generally carry a subliminal message on their sweatshirt: ‘rubbish relationship’.
Nowadays there are all sorts of machines that simulate exercise for you. For example, there are running machines, ski machines and rowing machines. Ideally, they would have a remote control so you could operate them while you sat on the sofa watching TV. Normally, exercise machines ten to end up in the spare room because that’s where you put stuff you don’t use.
Exercise is a great way to lose weight, principally because it’s hard to eat a tub of ice cream while you’re doing aqua-aerobics. Yoga devotees say it’s the toughest form of exercise in that you can lift the equivalent of half a ton just by clenching your buttock muscles. People who get really good at yoga can put their leg behind their head. However, it generally takes another year of practice before you can get it back.
One of the great benefits of regular exercise is that you develop a superb body. Ideally, this becomes a smoothly oiled love machine. Except for the fact that no one wants to sleep with anyone who breaks off to take on board high-energy liquids during lovemaking and has to do fifteen minutes of stretching before starting.