The History of the World – Part 3

Eventually, the romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides if March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying, he gasped out the words “Tee hee, Brutus.” Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. They took two baths in two days, and that’s the cause of the fall of Rome. Today Rome is full of fallen arches.
Then came the middle ages, when everyone was middle aged. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the age of Shivery with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women. King Harold mustered his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw. And victims of the blue bonnet plague grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. During this time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins and other mythical creatures. Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.
The government of England was a limited mockery. From the womb of Henry VIII Protestantism was born. He found walking difficult because he had an Abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen”. As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
It was an age of great inventions and Discoveries. Guttenberg invented the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.